A piece written circa 2008, rejected by my editors at a progressive Australian site to whom I was contracted on the grounds that I hadn’t made “a valid point”. Upon reflection, that was probably a valid point. However, I post it here as I am quite fond of some of the language; clearly inspired by bourbon and rage. Anyhow. The progressive Australian site closed down this week. I, by contrast, am still writing about Hot Lesbians. Sometimes for cash.
Lindsay Lohan is a talented young performer. More significantly, she is a busty top-drawer hottie who has recently Gone Lez. In thrilling news it seems that the young woman stuffed with theatric promise is also stuffed with a slender girl DJ named Sam.
Well. I haven’t been so elated since

Aker, pouffes and the right to closet –Helen Razer – ABC Online – May, 2010
I’ve long had a soft spot for Jason Akermanis. This affection has two central motives. First, his head was choreographed by Bob Fosse. That this on-baller could kick so forcefully with hair gayer than a handbag full of rainbows is testament to his strength.
Second, he once threatened to switch codes to Rugby Union if his team ever signed Wayne Carey. If you’re unfamiliar with the Soap of AFL, Carey is to the game as Izzy Hoyland was to Ramsay Street. This is to say, he is, in the view of many, vile, vicious and morally insolvent.
But today, it seems, that’s Akermanis’ role.
In the case you hadn’t heard, the Bulldog penned an Op Ed on homophobia this

The Loss of Sadness et al –Helen Razer – The Australian Literary Review – June, 2008
IT is quite clear that my grandmother is dying. Since the time of her last surgery, no one denies this wretched detail. Now even her oncologist advises against the rigours of treatment. That there is no cure for the misery at the end of life is generally agreed. Agreed by everyone, it seems, but a young and brightly efficient hospital doctor. He wants to know if my grandmother has been experiencing trouble sleeping. If she finds it difficult to concentrate. Is her appetite for food and life diminished? Does she have recurrent thoughts of death?
My grandmother is 97 and the tumour in her bowel has metastasised. Naturally, the answer to all the young doctor’s questions

Ahmadinejad is hot Helen Razer -The National Times – October 14, 2009
“Ahmadinejad is hot,” said my partner as we were watching the telly. This revelation shocked me on several counts.
First, I was aghast that she could find anything positive at all to say about a man of whom the world’s most learned commentators largely disapprove. Current events are not my strong suit. However, I’m vaguely aware that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rigged an election. And even in the case that this apprehension is entirely wrought by Zionist and/or CIA agitprop: surely, one’s libidinal interest should not be aroused by the 6pm news?
Thinking of the current President of the Islamic Republic of Iran as “hot” struck me as somewhat ideologically flawed.
But then again, it really didn’t. It’s not as though I haven’t

The new name for Vegemite is a serious miscalculation – Helen Razer – The Age – September 30, 2009
THE chief element in Vegemite’s new product is cream cheese. A secondary ingredient appears to be abject failure. No one likes the name of this new yeast product. Not one bit.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. There must be at least six Harvard MBAs at Kraft Foods who adore it. Vegemite launched the Vegemite plus cheese product a few months ago with a campaign inviting consumers to name the cheesier cousin.
The winning name was announced during the telecast of the AFL grand final. In an effort ”to align the new product with a younger market – and the ‘cool’ credentials of Apple’s iPod and iPhone” Kraft chose iSnack 2.0 from a field