dirty old women

If, myocarditis like me, cystitis you’re preoccupied with the Tawdry, you will have already learned of the Cougar Convention.

And, perhaps you have an evolved opinion on this phenom. If so, I would adore to hear from you via comments.

In return, I vow to offer you some niblets from the event on these pages.

Convention, I think, is a bit of an elevated term for what will, after all, be a fuck-find-fest.  I mean. For heaven’s sake. The hotel hosting the event is offering discounted suites to women aged 35 and above.  And how will they use these rooms?  For wireless business communication, I don’t think.

In any case. I’m attending.  My rationale, I’ll admit, is pure fascination. But, chiefly, I’m going to write a long-ish piece for Rolling Stone. A journo asked me a few questions about it. I consented to interview to suck up to my Eds. Find answers, amended, herewith.

Of course, mention I made of being happily committed to a woman for the past decade has been excised.

I shall write about the “convention” in further detail as the BIG Day approaches. And, heavens, I might even upload some photographs of speckled, crepe-y cleavage and hopeful young male flesh. For the moment, however, some palaver as published in today’s Sydney Morning Herald

AAP: What lengths have you gone to in preparation for the Cougar Convention?

HR: I have not purchased a tin of foam spray tan; sought advice from a cosmetic surgeon or bought an X-Box and a frozen pizza in the hope of luring a cub. I’ve done nothing. I shall wear heels, though, as I understand the dress code demands it.

AAP: Do you think cougars have been unfairly maligned?

HR: In a culture where the register of a woman’s worth continues to be her appearance, older women are quite generally panned. The cougar simply dares to not give two hoots. If they’ve been maligned: big deal. They’re probably far too busy working, refinancing, performing Kegel exercises and doing whatever it is that cougars do when they’re not doing cubs.

AAP: What are your expectations about the convention? Are you hoping to find a cub or is it purely professional?

HR: I’m attending to write a piece for Rolling Stone. And I don’t think, in the tradition of Gonzo established by that magazine, this forty-year-old will be getting all Hunter S Thompson on some poor youngster. (I want to) find out it if this trend really exists outside the imagination of bored television producers.

AAP: What do young men offer cougars that older men can’t?

HR: I imagine older women are attracted to cubs’ enthusiasm and their relative naivety. The late Jean Baudrillard said, “There is no aphrodisiac like innocence.” I don’t think we should overlook the possibility that women can be as eager for an efficient, no-strings encounter as men. And, contrary to the popular view, many women actively eschew commitment. Not every woman dreams of her “special day in white” nor, even, of monogamy.

AAP: What can cougars offer cubs that younger women can’t?

HR: I suppose quite a few ladies of my advanced years keep themselves fitter and better groomed than their younger sisters. We’re the market segment who joins gyms, buys Pilates mats and slathers on anti-ageing lotion, so, it’s not as though we’re decomposing. And it is as though these women offer fewer complications than someone a little younger. That is: they want to keep it simple.

AAP: Is the cougar phenomenon just a media beat up or an actual trend?

I’m uncertain. I can say, however, that I have received more attention from young men since my fortieth birthday than I did in the decade that preceded it.

I have spoken with older women about this and they affirm: the peri-menopausal ladies get all the best young male phone numbers. So, it’s probably something that has been going on, without scrutiny, for years. And I guess it makes sense. Frankly, you will not find two creatures less inhibited and more eager to experiment than a young man and a middle-aged woman.

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