If, myocarditis like me, cystitis you’re preoccupied with the Tawdry, you will have already learned of the Cougar Convention.

And, perhaps you have an evolved opinion on this phenom. If so, I would adore to hear from you via comments.

In return, I vow to offer you some niblets from the event on these pages.

Convention, I think, is a bit of an elevated term for what will, after all, be a fuck-find-fest.  I mean. For heaven’s sake. The hotel hosting the event is offering discounted suites to women aged 35 and above.  And how will they use these rooms?  For wireless business communication, I don’t think.

In any case. I’m attending.  My rationale, I’ll admit, is pure fascination. But, chiefly, I’m going to write a long-ish piece for Rolling Stone. A journo asked me a few questions about it. I consented to interview to suck up to my Eds. Find answers, amended, herewith.

Of course, mention I made of being happily committed to a woman for the past decade has been excised.

I shall write about the “convention” in further detail as the BIG Day approaches. And, heavens, I might even upload some photographs of speckled, crepe-y cleavage and hopeful young male flesh. For the moment, however, some palaver as published in today’s Sydney Morning Herald

AAP: What lengths have you gone to in preparation for the Cougar Convention?

HR: I have not purchased a tin of foam spray tan; sought advice from a cosmetic surgeon or bought an X-Box and a frozen pizza in the hope of luring a cub. I’ve done nothing. I shall wear heels, though, as I understand the dress code demands it.

AAP: Do you think cougars have been unfairly maligned?

HR: In a culture where the register of a woman’s worth continues to be her appearance, older women are quite generally panned. The cougar simply dares to not give two hoots. If they’ve been maligned: big deal. They’re probably far too busy working, refinancing, performing Kegel exercises and doing whatever it is that cougars do when they’re not doing cubs.

AAP: What are your expectations about the convention? Are you hoping to find a cub or is it purely professional?

HR: I’m attending to write a piece for Rolling Stone. And I don’t think, in the tradition of Gonzo established by that magazine, this forty-year-old will be getting all Hunter S Thompson on some poor youngster. (I want to) find out it if this trend really exists outside the imagination of bored television producers.

AAP: What do young men offer cougars that older men can’t?

HR: I imagine older women are attracted to cubs’ enthusiasm and their relative naivety. The late Jean Baudrillard said, “There is no aphrodisiac like innocence.” I don’t think we should overlook the possibility that women can be as eager for an efficient, no-strings encounter as men. And, contrary to the popular view, many women actively eschew commitment. Not every woman dreams of her “special day in white” nor, even, of monogamy.

AAP: What can cougars offer cubs that younger women can’t?

HR: I suppose quite a few ladies of my advanced years keep themselves fitter and better groomed than their younger sisters. We’re the market segment who joins gyms, buys Pilates mats and slathers on anti-ageing lotion, so, it’s not as though we’re decomposing. And it is as though these women offer fewer complications than someone a little younger. That is: they want to keep it simple.

AAP: Is the cougar phenomenon just a media beat up or an actual trend?

I’m uncertain. I can say, however, that I have received more attention from young men since my fortieth birthday than I did in the decade that preceded it.

I have spoken with older women about this and they affirm: the peri-menopausal ladies get all the best young male phone numbers. So, it’s probably something that has been going on, without scrutiny, for years. And I guess it makes sense. Frankly, you will not find two creatures less inhibited and more eager to experiment than a young man and a middle-aged woman.