See Spot Run

I hereby give over the day’s musings to grown-up pimples. I do this (a) in an effort to topple the seriousness of recent posts (b) as the idle by-product of “work” as a grooming writer for print and (c) as homage to the corker contiguous to my bottom lip.

Zits are quite foul enough but never so foul as when the colonise the mouth.

I hate pimples. I hate them more than those children at Number 15 who wake me every Sunday and ruin Christmas with carolling that sounds like someone has tried to stuff the Son of God right back up into Mary.

Nearly everyone is afflicted by acne vulgaris in adolescence. I can’t wait for those little turds at Number 15 to get it, men’s health in the hope they might stop singing.

Often, information pills the zits of teendom persist. Even up past menopause. Far fewer gents get zits. Given that they earn more, own more and get to walk around on hot days without shirts on, this seems unfair.

So, what to do about this female problem? For females, there’s a female medication at hand. Certain birth control tablets can cool Mount Vesuvius. The preparation ethinyl estradiol, aka Yasmin in Australia, is not on the PBS. But far be it from me to deny clear skin at the expense of your cycle.

Antibiotics are another option. I recommend them if you wish to strip your gut of healthful bacteria, corrode your immune system and fuck up the gene pool.

A pouffe mate SWEARS by GP medication Retin-A, aka topical retinoid tretinoin. In my twenties when my face resembled nothing so much as a pre-menstrual Moon of Saturn, I tried it. I didn’t have zits but I did go bright red for weeks. Oral retinoids, such as Roaccutane, scare the shit out of me.

Many of us do not require medical intervention for our custard puzzles. You can take control of your acker.

First, wash your face, you dirty bitch. Not with something frothy. Use a mild cleanser that doesn’t screw with pH or dry out skin so it starts leaking oil like BP into the Gulf. Clarins does good, gentle shit. Kiehl’s and Thalgo, too. Or, Cetaphil from the pharmacy.

Use a toner. Plain old witch-hazel works if you can find it in a retro-chemist. Otherwise, seek advice to match your skin type and cleanser.

Recent evidence suggests that diet plays a part in spot taming. Zitty persons demonstrated lower levels of vitamins A and E and a tendency to eat high glycemic foods. In short, it’s the usual bad news: eat nutrient rich plant foods; drink water; avoid caffeine.

As for potions, I find switching these up works best. It’s as though my zits develop immunity. Wife swears by the MALIN+GOETZ acne treatment.

For masks and sundry spot treatments, I’ve found Dermalogica brilliant in the past. However, be careful to consult so that you don’t end up burning your skin to shit.

When concealing, use a shade darker than foundation so as not to highlight your pimple like a phosphorescent rice bubble. Truly stubborn spots need for example, a concealer from MAC or the Guinot medicated concealer, Correcteur Traitant.

Christ. I’m exhausted thinking about it. I need to eat high-glycemic food to soothe my nerves or go kick those children at No 15.

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